Cynderblock’s Guide to the 5.2 Twink Brackets

pssst… is she gone?

This is Sgt. Cynthia Block – you might remember me by my Charlie Company call sign, Cynderblock. You might not, that’s okay too. I don’t need the limelight like Ms. Cynwise does over there. She sure loves her spreadsheets, don’t she? A little too much, if you know what I mean. I don’t know about you, but I tuned out right when she started yammering about taking the delta of the whoosimawhatsit and comparing it to the sine of the somethingorother.

See, I’m a twink, and I know what I know and like what I like. Mostly I like a good pint of Rumsey Rum Dark Label, but after they changed it up here in 5.2 I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to find something new to drink. I don’t know how I feel about this, because while I’m partial to most things Redridge I sure did like that Rumsey Rum.

What Miss Fancy Pants Warlock conveniently forgot to tell you and me was the info you probably really wanted to know – what about my twink bracket??? Ever notice how officers get all lost in the theory but never come right down and say this is how you get it done?

Well, that’s why this here Sergeant is here to help you out. Here’s the lowdown on the twink brackets with this new scalin’ business.

10-14: Tens are fucked six ways to Sunday. It was bad enough that no one ever queued in the bracket without using that damn XP-on exploit, but now tens are done. Without secondary stats going through the roof they’ve got nothing. Time to go solo Deadmines.

15-19: Ah, Nineteens, my old stomping grounds. Y’all are fine. Most of you are wearing grandfathered gear anyways.

20-24: Oh boy, the 20/24 War. If you’re 20 F2P, you better get those heirlooms quicklike and then you’ll be okay – you’ll practically be on equal footing with them 24s. Otherwise 24s have all the advantages here.

25-29: Twenty-Nines are fine. Everyone leveled to 29 anyways. Games are Sunday nights.

30-34: Is this even a thing? No. Go level to 39, what are you doing here? These levels suck.

35-39: Thirty-Nines are fine. Games are Wed/Fri 8pm Eastern. Rock on, 39s.

40-44: The Forty-Fours sound like a bad musical act out of Westfall. This bracket isn’t a thing.

45-49: The Forty-Niners are fine.

50-54: This ain’t no twink bracket! This is where people go to play AV for 4 levels before dropping out when the Death Nuggets show up. GTFO and level up.

55-59: Cynwulf leveled out of this bracket, and so should you. If you’re in it, I assume you’re at 59 to try to keep up with the DKs. Or you are a damned DK, in which case I’m not jealous of Death Grip. At all. /grumbles

60-64: Logically I’d say you should just level up to 64, but who am I kidding? Sixties are hardcore vanilla raiders, there is no way in hell that they’d level up and miss out on Molten Core. Stay 60, stay proud of your vanilla heritage, screw the haters, wear your awesome gear with pride.

65-69: Now I know those Northshire girls like to make jokes about the Redshire Sixty-Niners, but you know what? They’re just jealous of our good looks and fine bridge-making skills. 69 or bust. (No laughing, Private.)

70-74: Resilience will drop a bit for the 70s, but not enough to end the healer’s reign of terror. I’d expect most 70s to stay at 70 for Arena, Funwell, and BC pride. If they wanna level up to 74 for the archy Axe, sure, go ahead. But that’s really the only gear that’s worth it, Wrath stuff is junk.

75-79: I cannot even begin to describe how fucked you are if you’re level 75. Seventy-Niners are even more godlike now with their Cata gear. If any folks are going to keep using the XP-on exploits, I expect them to migrate here. This is the most imbalanced bracket in the game.

80-84: Hey, remember when the Eighties only had to worry about the occasional 84 Frost DK? Hah, good times. Good times. Sorry, Eighties, you’re probably screwed. Stay 80 if you have Mists blues and want to wreck face in ICC/heroics, otherwise take a look at moving up a bit. Each class is going to be a bit different due to gear availability – the more Mists gear you can get, the better.

85-89: The secondary stat problems are the absolute worst in this bracket. Mists PvE gear is now hands down better than Cata PvP gear and you’re going to want a full set of blues. The scaling cliff is so bad in this bracket you might really want to just stay 85 for a bit. Since all the best gear is available by 87 I’d check that out for your class as well.

90: Who the fuck plays at 90? Seriously.

Someones’s coming. I gotta go, but don’t be a stranger.

And don’t believe everything that warlock tells you!